Hello world!

“Hello world!” I was sitting naked on a commode with a carer either side of me. The bathroom was so tiny, and the ladies were not small, so they left the door open, as was the hall door into what was acting as my bedroom but was actually our front room. Our bungalow had been cleverly designed to line up the bathroom door, hall door, front hall door and front outer door. A brilliantly designed tunnel effect from bathroom to outside. Mary, my wife opened the front door and inner hall door as she came in, they were close to each other.

Picture the scene, a clear line of view from bathroom to outside street. If anyone had been passing, which fortunately they weren’t, I could have waved. I could probably have had a chat. Hence my exclamation “Hello world!” The two carers slowly looked at each other and me in shock. They were new and had not yet met my wife. Assuming she was a stranger they looked slightly confused at each other for a moment. Then they looked again at Mary. Eventually they covered my embarrassment just in time for Mary to introduce herself. By this time, I had requested Mary close at least one of the numerous doors leading to outside. Oh, the joys of being cared for. Oh, the joys of being unable to get up and do things yourself.

I used to joke that I had the best-known bottom in Somerset, because I saw so many carers. On that my posterior had the potential to become even better know.

This happened back in 2012 when I was still able to stand for a transfer and sit on a commode for washing, these days I must be washed lying down in bed and have to be hoisted from the bed to a chair or wheelchair. We have a high backed, reclining commode/shower chair, but no wet room that I can access. Our current situation saves a repeat of that embarrassing situation but has its own limitations.

My current lounge/bedroom has a patio door to our enclosed garden, that I always saw as private until recently. I never asked my carers to draw the curtains as our garden has high walls and a locked gate. Then a few days on the trot the gate was accidentally left unlocked and two different delivery men decided our back garden was the obvious way to deliver a parcel.

One of the occasions I was lying in bed having just been undressed awaiting a new lot of clothes, when a face appeared at the window trying to peer in and knocking on the glass. The other time I was just lying in bed watching TV when I saw a delivery guy wondering around our garden. You won’t be surprised I now follow the advice of one of my carers who had always suggested I have the curtains closed. Having told her there was no need, I now sheepishly admitted she was right.

While on the topic of embarrassment. I’ve been in one nursing home where they were taking me down the corridor to a shower in a wheely commode. Think about what a commode has on its seat, a big hole where your bottom is. So your bottom hangs through it. I was naked ready for a shower, but covered on top for decency. As we wheeled along the corridor I thought ‘This is very draughty around my rear.’ Once I realised why, I was quite glad we didn’t pass crowds of people.

I want to finish by saying carers try very hard to respect my dignity and privacy. They do cover me up and make sure doors are shut. I’ve had carers for years and there are bound to be the odd slip ups. I only mentioned these incidents because they are funny, and I can look back on them and laugh.

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