I was looking at my face in the mirror the other day. Imagine my surprise when an overweight, bald guy was staring back at me. I have never seen him before. Well, occasionally when I have chosen to look in a mirror and my imagination is not fully awake then he has stared back at me; ‘Through the looking glass’ so to speak. Lewis Carol has a lot to answer for, putting people like that in my mirror.
Now let me reassure all of you who have looked in a mirror recently and got a shock. If you have looked in a mirror and had a pleasant surprise then just look away; this is for the rest of us. I want to reassure all of the rest of us and let’s face it, that’s most of us. It is not us we are seeing. Isn’t that a relief? No, we are most definitely seeing into a different dimension, it is not us staring back. It’s a dimension which distorts and messes around with our reality. Cameras can do the same kind of thing, but at least cameras have built in correction systems. In the old days the only way you could correct the multi-dimensional distortion caused by looking into a mirror or taking a photo was heavy makeup or a stocking over the lens. Now we have a wonderful array of multi-dimensional correctional filters. Of course, the creators of them realised that the average user would get put off by their real names. So, I have helpfully listed below the real names of these filters alongside their user-friendly names:
User Friendly camera filter name
Beautify
Real Scientific Name
Commutating dimensional shift paradigm initiator
User Friendly camera filter name
Thinnify
Real Scientific Name
Triturating dispersal reduction extenuator
User Friendly camera filter name
Portrait mode
Real Scientific Name
Simulacrum trans-dimensional characterisation depiction
Now you understand why they wanted user friendly names.
All of you who look in the mirror and are pleased at what you see can look back now. I have an unpleasant surprise for you too. The image you see is not you either. One of the effects of all this trans-dimensional shifting is that images get swapped around. So, if you are seeing a chisel jawed beef cake, that is actually me. I am sorry to say that the photo at the top of my blog site is you; yes, no wonder you have a shocked look on your face. What a realisation.
You may well be wondering how this can possibly be true. You may even be thinking this is false news. How could you think such a thing about me? As if I would make up something like this as a joke. The basis for your doubts may well be your own eyes. You may well be thinking, ‘Mike, you poor deluded fool, look down at your arms, are they muscular? Look at your belly, is it fat?’ But did I say that the dimensional distortion stopped at the mirror? You see, there you go making the wrong assumption. It starts at the mirror, but it extends into our world.
Let me explain in a way that will help you all see clearly the true depth of the problem and realise that I am absolutely right. Imagine a pond surface; from beneath. You are in the water looking up at the surface. The water surrounds you and distorts the light and all objects around you. Come on, admit it, you’re starting to believe me now, aren’t you? How many of you are thinking, yes that makes sense? I always thought I was more beautiful than I look in the mirror. I know you are all ready to accept it, just look at everyone’s social media pictures. Our Avatars express how we see ourselves.
So, as we enter yet another year of Covid. A winter of lockdown. At least we can take some comfort in knowing that the old grump we see in the mirror is not us. We are handsome, beautiful, muscular, svelte, just plain good looking. We are the way we portray ourselves on social media; OK there’s always one who puts a photo of a dog, a mountain or a motorcycle, but the rest of us… hang on I have a photo of an old, bald fat guy on my social media…. back to the drawing board.
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Shall We Get Dressed Now? 