Polite Midges

Sitting in the park the other day. Of course, I was sitting, what do you expect; running around the park. Sitting in my wheelchair in the park, I noticed lots of midges. But the midges were not causing me any trouble. In fact, I am sure that I heard one say as it bumped into me, ‘sorry excuse me, my fault.’ So, they must be English midges, very polite.

Have you noticed that about us Brits, we apologise even when it’s someone else’s fault? Someone bumps into us and we say, ‘Oh, pardon me.’ Another person barges in front of us and we say, ‘sorry,’ as if we were in their way.

Years ago, we went to Scotland and I have no wish to make any negative comments about the Scots, but Scottish midges are not polite. They are decidedly unfriendly. They form a massive cloud around you, fly into your ears, up your nose. If you open your mouth, into your mouth and they bite and bite. All very unpleasant. No, Scottish midges do not say, ‘pardon me.’ They say, ‘outta ma way ya Sassenach.’ I am not going to suggest they come from Glasgow because that would be so rude. Many lovely people come from Glasgow, so I will not be so unfair. All I will say is that Scottish midges are still living in the times of Braveheart and think they are called to drive out the Brits or any other foreign invaders. The trouble is they end up biting Scottish folk too. Someone never told them how to tell the difference. I’m not sure if you get bitten if you wear a kilt? Maybe just as bad, or worse because they fly up your kilt. Perhaps you have to wear the right tartan? It doesn’t bear thinking about if you wear a kilt the traditional way.

Now I realise that I have just alienated most of Scotland. Please direct any hate mail to: Midges R Not Us, UK Society for Defence against midges, Bite U Lane, Bitten, Bristol, BSS 001 or phone 0000 7666 55555 ex 0003 ask for Mr Mordre, email: admin@notarealemail.com

I was wondering about an inter-breeding programme. English midges and Scottish midges. Do you think we’d end up with slightly less vicious ones? Or would they just say, ‘pardon me,’ and then bite you anyway?

Actually, that gives me an idea, there is a move to re-introduce wolves and other wild animals that have long been missing into the wilds of Scotland. Those of us brought up on fairy stories like Red Riding Hood might have pause about the idea. Wolves never seem the friendliest of animals. As for bears…

Well my idea is to cross breed them with friendlier animals first. So, wolves could be cross bred with Akela from Jungle book and bears with Paddington Bear, they are real, aren’t they? That way when we run into a bear in the wild, we can just share a marmalade sandwich with them and have a friendly chat. Or if we run across a wolf, we can ask how Mowgli is doing or perhaps sing a duet of ‘Bare necessities.’ No that was Baloo, silly me. Maybe we should cross bread bears with Baloo. Oh yes, that will be much better. Just need to sort out those midges. Back to the drawing board.

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