Month: Apr 2021

Word Games

Someone pointed out that with the word “Queue”, the letter ‘Q’ does all the work and the rest of the letters silently “queue” behind it. This got me thinking, are there other words where some of the letters are similarly work shy? “Tea” for instance, the ‘e’ and ‘a’ could be off having a cuppa or a quick bite they certainly are not working, ‘T’ is doing all the heavy lifting. The same goes for the other “Tee”, the two ee’s are probably off playing golf, they most certainly cannot be heard; not a peep. As for “Oh!” Do you think the shock of the word itself has caused the ‘h’ to hide? Where is it? I can’t hear it. “Bee” is another one, the two ee’s must be suffering anaphylactic shock after a sting; are they in hospital? Or have they some other excuse for keeping quiet. It really is not an acceptable excuse for doing nothing.

But there are many other letters in the English language that don’t pull their weight. Letters that are working part time or not at all. Let’s face it, English is full of them. We hear a lot about ‘people’ who are workshy, but what about all these lazy letters? Isn’t it time we had a clamp down, a purge, a clean up of the English language? It’s just not good enough. ‘Enough’, hold on a second, what’s the ‘o’ up to in keeping quiet? Then what about that gh, pretending to be an ‘f’?! I told you English is very messed up.

I say remove all these lazy letters. Since when do we need two letters to do the job of one. That is just making jobs for the boys. If we did that in a factory there would be a public outcry; but I hear no fuss when it happens in words; look what is that second ‘p’ up to in ‘happens’? In fact while we are at it let’s clean up the English language and only use letters and letter combinations that make sense. Who told an “s” it sounded like a “z”? What an imposter. While we are at it since when did an “e” sound like an “i” or a “ph” sound like an “f”? I already mentioned ‘gh’ sometimes pretending it’s an ‘f’. What’s wrong with this language?

Enuf is enuf, no mor slakers, no mor rubish. From this point on I wil not tolerat it any mor. If it haz no sownd, it can go. Ware wud we b if we let it continu? Just think of al the paper we wil sav. Haz it got 2 l’s? No, nothing haz any mor. Haz it got 2 of any leter, no! Huray, we al cry. Kidz can at larst spel. Az for grama we wil simplify that 2. No mor plu perfect, past participuls, definit anythings. Inglish languag wil b ez to lurn. Lak grama not make hard understand, ez now, me tel u how clever, lurning much simpl now. Ez now very gud. U agre?

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Reverse Tardis

Why is it that packing into cardboard boxes is like using a reverse Tardis? I am sure you all remember Dr Who? His Tardis was bigger on the inside than the outside. Well cardboard packing boxes must be smaller on the inside than the outside, because they hold almost nothing. You must have experienced it? You are packing up a shelf or a cupboard. It doesn’t have much on it, so you get a large box and start packing. In a few minutes the box is overflowing and you have only emptied half the shelf. What is going on? Is there a rift in the space-time continuum within every cardboard box? Does the very process of packing, cause a rip in the fabric of space? Do objects grow in size when they come into contact with cardboard? Do our eyes get fooled by squares and oblongs? Do cardboard boxes shrink when they come into contact with any contents?

I am thinking that there needs to be a solution. It is not acceptable. We cannot go on trying to pack into ever shrinking boxes. The very fabric of space and time is at threat. Our sanity, indeed our ability to make sensible judgements is at stake. I don’t think it would be too great a statement to say that the universe itself is in peril.

There must be a way forward. After all Dr Who overcame it with his Tardis. Surely if he, with an old Police Box, could solve the problem of time and space, can’t we do the same. I used to watch Dr Who when it was still black and white. If he could overcome such a huge problem on such a tiny budget, so can we.

Just think, if we do not overcome this problem, we will be left trying to pack up our houses into an unreasonably large number of boxes. How can one bookshelf take 2 or 3 boxes! That is ludicrous, we must be able to reduce that number. As for a kitchen, well all I can say is that if the contents can fit in a few drawers and cupboards then it does not need 10 to 15 boxes to pack it. Are you with me on this? I can almost hear the moving firms cheering me on. Or is that the very fabric of space-time splitting.

But I hear you ask, where do we start? That is a good question. I always think the best place is at the beginning. How did Dr Who do it? He chose an ordinary object that looked small on the outside, but was actually big on the inside. Obviously cardboard boxes do not work. I think we have established that. It’s also best if we don’t copy Dr Who. Besides I am not sure where I would buy an old Police Box.

I think we are progressing, don’t you? We have ruled out what will not work and now we can concentrate on the best way forward. It can’t be that difficult to come up with the right thing. Any ideas? OK, I am thinking hard. Not a cardboard box. Not a Police Box. I’ve got it… No that won’t work. Quantum physics isn’t as easy as I was hoping.

Perhaps we’ll stick with boxes for now and come back to this later. It’s a definite problem that needs fixing though. There’s a Nobel Prize in this for someone.

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Reply from BBC MasterChef

Dear Mr Nevin,

It was good to catch up with you by telephone the other day and I certainly enjoyed our conversation; even though some parts puzzled me. Although I am the show’s executive producer, we do need to get Greg and John onside, so don’t start planning too far ahead.

As I pointed out Greg Wallace and John Torode have been in heated discussions regarding your suggestions with myself and the production team. You can probably imagine decisions of this magnitude are not taken lightly. I’m not sure that Greg and John would agree with the idea of you becoming a permanent additional judge; maybe we can table that for now. They were definite that we cannot re-brand the series MaterChef: A taste of Nevin. It’s also a little early for you to plan your introductory segment; although I do agree that: “We’re looking for the chef who has the best designed apron and enjoys singing.” Is certainly novel, I’m not sure what it will demonstrate about their cooking ability.

I have summarized the main points which you raised in your letter and we chatted about, along with our response below:

1/ “I don’t really like fishy things. So let the prawns, crabs, lobsters, muscles, scallops, oysters and other sea life, live out their lives in the ocean, in peace. That includes all fish unless it’s battered and deep fried with a plate of chips.”

John felt that the exclusion of fish, other than battered and fried from the MasterChef menu may cause problems. Whilst this in itself may not be insurmountable, he was not happy. An unhappy John Torode is not a good start. It’s not as bad as an unhappy Greg, but it is an issue that needs addressing at some point before we include you on the team.

2/ “Deer can stay in the forest; I don’t really want Bambi on my plate. You don’t fool me by calling it venison.”

John and Greg both felt that the emotive reference to “Bambi” was unhelpful. Greg loves Disney films and would not like you to think he encourages any attacks on Disney characters. John felt that you had missed the point; but he didn’t really expand on that.

3/ “Partridges look great but not next to a potato. Leave them in a pear tree ready for Christmas.”

Whilst agreeing in principle about Christmas; everyone at MasterChef loves Christmas. There is a need to have partridges on the menu. (This was an emphatic point made by them both)

4/ “Pidgeon’s are a nuisance in Trafalgar square it’s true; but is eating them the best solution? Couldn’t you just put-up anti-Pidgeon devices?”

John and Greg spent a while looking blankly at each other after reading this point. I did explain what you were trying to say. They would not be swayed. Perhaps you could just smell the pigeons? Clever cuts on film could avoid you eating them. I know that you said on the phone this could be a ‘deal breaker.’ However, I don’t think you should dig your heels in over this. After all you did say that you were keen on joining the MasterChef team and from what I gathered you have already started printing T shirts with “I’m a MasterChef judge” on them. I did explain that was a little premature.

5/ “Quails and their eggs; They sound a bit fancy for me. Stick with chicken.”

You may be in luck on this point. With the current economy drive at the BBC, we may have to cut back on such expensive ingredients.

6/ “Sweet meats; when I looked this up my decision was a definite no to eating it. I really couldn’t believe anyone would want to.”

I have never been a great fan of this either, but John and Greg tutted at both my and your disapproval. This needs further discussion; I have made a note for a future meeting.

7/ “Caviar and Champagne; just the later please. I like my eggs from a chicken, not a fish.”

I’m afraid given my earlier answer to point 5, both may have to go. Although I agree with the point you made on the phone, yes far too much goes on.

8/ “Foie Gras, never had it, don’t want it.”

The cruelty of its production has led to a widespread ban.

9/ “Puddings; I try to avoid processed sugar. I will watch others eat them though.”

Greg went into shock and didn’t recover for quite some time. You know what a sweet tooth he has. I pointed out that he could still eat them. This placated him. I did point out to you on the phone that we could try Avocado Ice Cream; I wasn’t sure if we got cut off at that point? The phone seemed to go silent.

10/ “Cooking times; can you please make sure my meat is cooked before serving it. Granny said, if it’s red that means it’s not cooked. Granny knows best.”

 I’m sorry to tell you and your granny that she’s wrong. It was a bit unnecessary to be quite so rude about this on the phone. Granny’s can be wrong. I realise that was news to you, but you will have to monitor what you say on live TV.

11/ “There are many things that come from inside an animal; please dispose of them somewhere other than my plate. I know many people enjoy kidneys, liver etc. I’m not in that happy bunch.”

You are unlikely to convince Greg or John on this. Perhaps you could just taste the gravy and push the offal to one side? It does make delicious gravy.

12/ “I do love a good gravy or sauce, while we are on that subject, please call it gravy or sauce not ‘jus’ or ‘roux’. If you do put any on my plate, can you pour a good portion over my meat, not decorate the plate with little dots, draw lines or smear it everywhere.”

I have to be careful here. As a producer of a current food show, I wanted to cheer you on. But, I did it quietly. I’m sure Greg and John nodded slightly. But that could be my imagination. I know we both shared a laugh about this on the phone.

13/ “I would like a nice meat and two veg please. None of this tiny slice of meat balanced on top of a small pile of veg. I want to eat the food not admire its balancing skills. In fact, I prefer my food ladled onto my plate, not delicately placed with tweezers.”

A similar reaction to point 12 here. I sometimes feel like shouting, ‘The King is in his altogether.’ Food has become a fashion statement rather than something to eat. I was particularly shocked at what looked like a tyre skid, or something worse on a plate in this year’s show.

14/ “I love ducks; swimming on a pond. Not swimming in gravy on my plate.”

Let’s not get carried away. Everyone likes a nice bit of duck. Even if it’s just crispy Chinese Duck. You need to put up with this.

“Other than the above minor limitations, I will eat absolutely anything. I am really looking forward to the chefs cooking up a treat for us.”

Don’t jump the gun here. We have a lot of things to discuss and plan first. It’s not a definite yes or no.We are still coming to an agreement. Although it is looking positive; so you have reason to be positive.

“On a practical note, our house is not very large. The kitchen isn’t huge. You may want to budget in buying us a bigger house. I’m sure that won’t break your budget, which I assume is large. Perhaps you should include a large garden and swimming pool. That way it will have plenty of room for the outside broadcast trucks and your staff can have a swim while relaxing. Perhaps you should include a double garage and very wide driveway. I don’t want to put ideas in your head, but a stately home might work well?”

I did mention budgetary constraints. We may hire a village hall or setup in a studio. Is there anywhere near you that’s suitable? If we were to look at a stately home it would only be a short-term lease; perhaps 6 months, maybe 12 to 18. If the series is a success, we could look at extending it.

The only other things to discuss are:

Screen tests, do you film and photograph well? You mentioned that you are in a wheelchair; can I ask is the wheelchair a fancy one? Will it film well? Do you have an agent to negotiate your fee? We will need to look into a photo shoot for the cover of the Radio Times. Then there’s newspaper coverage, interviews with the national newspapers, TV and radio. The possibility of tie in book deals, recipe books, autobiographies etc.

One last thing, a gullibility test would seem in order. Do you believe everything you’re told?

Yours Sincerely

Arthur Harrington-Smythe BA, HB, MA, JL, HH

Executive Producer – BBC Food Programmes

BBC Television Centre

London

Letter to MasterChef Producer

We have been watching old and new series of BBC’s MasterChef. We noticed that in the later parts they tend to have the finalists cook for various people in interesting settings. This prompted my extremely serious letter to the BBC:

Dear MasterChef Producer,

We are big fans of your show and wanted to be a help with the 2022 series. It must be hard finding new and interesting venues and people to cook for in the finals. We have a solution: Come to our house and cook for us. There are many reasons this is a good idea. We like food and yet we can’t afford to eat the kind of luxury food that is featured on your show. The idea of trying it is wonderful. It would be novel and different. I am disabled; that must tick a few boxes for you. Just imagine how much joy you would bring to me and my wife. We are licence fee payers, so you’d be giving something back. We enjoy food and are very vocal about it, so would make great judges.

There are one or two minor issues to bear in mind when you do arrange to come here:

1/ I don’t really like fishy things. So let the prawns, crabs, lobsters, muscles, scallops, oysters and other sea life, live out their lives in the ocean, in peace. That includes all fish unless it’s battered and deep fried with a plate of chips.

2/ Deer can stay in the forest; I don’t really want Bambi on my plate. You don’t fool me by calling it venison.

3/ Partridges look great but not next to a potato. Leave them in a pear tree ready for Christmas.

4/ Pidgeon’s are a nuisance in Trafalgar square it’s true; but is eating them the best solution? Couldn’t you just put-up anti-Pidgeon devices?

5/ Quails and their eggs; They sound a bit fancy for me. Stick with chicken.

6/ Sweet meats; when I looked this up my decision was a definite no to eating it. I really couldn’t believe anyone would want to.

7/ Caviar and Champagne; just the later please. I like my eggs from a chicken, not a fish.

8/ Foie Gras, never had it, don’t want it.

9/ Puddings; I try to avoid processed sugar. I will watch others eat them though.

10/ Cooking times; can you please make sure my meat is cooked before serving it. Granny said, if it’s red that means it’s not cooked. Granny knows best.

11/ There are many things that come from inside an animal; please dispose of them somewhere other than my plate. I know many people enjoy kidneys, liver etc. I’m not in that happy bunch.

12/ I do love a good gravy or sauce, while we are on that subject, please call it gravy or sauce not ‘jus’ or ‘roux’. If you do put any on my plate can you pour a good portion over my meat, not decorate the plate with little dots, draw lines or smear it everywhere.

13/ I would like a nice meat and two veg please. None of this tiny slice of meat balanced on top of a small pile of veg. I want to eat the food not admire it’s balancing skills. In fact I prefer my food ladled onto my plate, not delicately placed with tweezers.

14/ I love ducks; swimming on a pond. Not swimming in gravy on my plate.

Other than the above minor limitations, I will eat absolutely anything. I am really looking forward to the chefs cooking up a treat for us.

On a practical note, our house is not very large. The kitchen isn’t huge. You may want to budget in buying us a bigger house. I’m sure that won’t break your budget, which I assume is large. Perhaps you should include a large garden and swimming pool. That way it will have plenty of room for the outside broadcast trucks and your staff can have a swim while relaxing. Perhaps you should include a double garage and very wide driveway. I don’t want to put ideas in your head, but a stately home might work well?

As you can see from the above, I have covered all the major issues and I am sure you will soon be in touch. I am sure that the 2022 MasterChef is going to be the best ever. Perhaps you could even rename it, MasterChef: The Nevin special.

Yours sincerely

Mike Nevin

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The Hero Inside

We were listening to Mariah Carey’s song, ‘The hero lies in you.’ It has some powerful words that I am sure resonate with many people. Words like, ‘So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong.’ It’s a song about love lost of course. But it has wider appeal and meaning to many. Mainly because it suggests that we all have an inner strength, what is referred to as ‘a hero inside our hearts.’ That’s not a line from the song, but a combination.

What is a hero? We use that word a lot and it has resonance for us. It moves us in this song. What does it mean in this song and generally? Hero can be a character in a piece of fiction who does great feats and is admired, the lead character. Hero can mean a person in life who we admire and who achieves great things, who overcomes obstacles, who does something great. Generally, the hero rides in to the rescue when things go wrong. They are the character in fiction and in real live that we credit with rescuing a person or situation.

These days, in this post-modern world we are much more likely to look at anti-heroes than heroes. The very concept of heroes has become passé and unpopular. Humans are a fickle lot, a fact that has been pressed home on me by watching the first series of Masterchef Goes Large. It’s not just that Greg Wallace and John Torode look so young in 2005, but it’s their comments. The idea that it is not desirable to mix the food of different nations. A concept that is lauded in the latest series. The complaints at food being presented in to fancy a manner, or veg being too crunchy. These are all food fashions that have changed. There is an old song called ‘Putting on the style.’ It so captures the idea that each generation just puts on a new style/fashion. It’s so serious to them, but as you get older and see the many ‘re-runs’ it becomes absurd.

Back to being our own hero. In our lives the song writers, including Mariah are suggesting that we can be the hero. Is that true? That’s an interesting question. Can we save ourselves? Be our own hero. There’s an American TV series called ‘Heroes’ it’s about a group of people who ‘evolve’ super powers. So, these ‘heroes’ are super-heroes. In a way that is what a lot of us think when we consider the idea of ‘hero’ we almost unconsciously add ‘super’ to it. Marvel comics have produced a whole series of comics and the follow-on films about ‘heroes’ some of whom do not have ‘super’ powers. Their ‘super’ powers are the weapons or armour they use. Characters like Iron Man and Falcon fit that bill. You probably think I am a huge comic book geek now? Actually, I don’t read comics at all. But I do occasionally watch films about comic book characters. They are escapist fun.

Where was I? Being our own hero. Can we be our own hero, save ourselves? At last, I am going to give my answer to that. Take it or leave it, weigh it for yourself. I don’t believe we can save ourselves. Which is not the same as saying that we should give up. I believe that we should be strong and try hard in our lives. I believe we should not give up. But I also believe that there are points in our lives when we need help. Things are just beyond us. We cry out in desperation. There is an answer. That answer comes not from within us, but from Jesus. I know, you want to stop reading now. Mike is banging on about Jesus again. Being all religious and talking twaddle. Actually, I am not being religious at all. I am the least religious person you are ever likely to come across. I do not blindly follow any rules. I don’t believe in a set of instructions that lead to salvation. I don’t worship a holy book. I do not advocate a man created ideology or religiosity. I have no time for the concept of working you way to heaven, or say that only good people can meet God. I dispute the idea that church is full of people who have got it together. I certainly do not put on a smile and say, ‘everything is wonderful because I know God.’ No, I am a real human being. I know about God, because I have a relationship with him through Jesus. My ‘faith’ is a real faith based on a real person.

There is nothing special about me, other than what God has done. I am totally unable to save myself. But God can do anything. I do not follow a set of instructions; I follow a loving God. I don’t worship a holy book. I read a book of life; The Bible, God’s Word. I don’t claim that I have my life perfect and together. I fail, I fall over, I get in a mess. God loves me in that mess. Helps me through it and pulls me out of it. When I go to a church meeting it is full of people just like me. Imperfect, weak, real and needing God. It is from that point that I am saying there is an answer. Jesus is the answer; because I have experienced it. Jesus is not a swear word, or a concept, or an irrelevancy. Jesus is a person we can know and be known by. More than that, Jesus is God’s son who came to earth so that we could know God and have hope and a future.

When I say we cannot save ourselves, it’s because we need God’s help. When we search for a hero inside ourselves; what we find is Jesus waiting to meet us and help us. You can choose to be self-sufficient and do it all alone, but ultimately you will then find you are too weak. We humans are full of bravado, singing loudly about how great we are. Inside we know the truth. Frightened, weak and lonely. We need each other, friends and family, but most of all we need God. Jesus will help us get to know him. Or you can decide to try and go it alone.

I have often suggested Alpha.org as a free, non-pressured way to ask questions about Christianity and I do so again.

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