Month: Jan 2021

Have you ever thought about gravity? Of course, you haven’t, you’re far too busy, That’s why I’m here. I don’t mean the Sandra Bullock & George Clooney movie as good or bad as that was.

Gravity is a very odd and amazing thing. It seems to have a cumulative effect. As you get older, it makes you shorter. I used to be 5’ 10” now I’m 4’ 8”, no wait, that’s because I’m sat in a wheelchair. It does make you shorter though.

Then there’s the effect on your hair, especially for men. Women seem immune. It pulls the hair of the top of our hair onto the sides. I know that doesn’t happen for all men. Maybe it has something to do with the extra testosterone some of us have interacting with gravity. I much prefer the idea of it meaning I am more macho rather than more decrepit. It doesn’t stop there though, hair is pulled, by gravity, out of every orifice; well nearly. Our ears and noses become hairy.

Why is it that when you are a teenage boy you are desperate for one or two hairs on your chin. Then as a man you are fighting a losing battle against a forest of hair. I know that many men give up and decide to join Santa Claus. An aside, I’m sure that the reason Santa wears a hat is that he only has hair on the side of his head. Gravity is also to blame for the paunch that gives us men a Santa Claus tummy. It’s not beer or over eating. Not sure why it’s called a beer belly; should be renamed a gravity belly.

We buy such a range of trimmers; the Ear and Nose Strimmer 3000, the Wonder Trim 2040, the Hairbegone 1020, the Trimme Ace, the AH1JE000 (it’s a Chinese import), yet we are still struggling to keep up.

Now I know women have a hard time too, but you have lots of articles and magazines about that. This is about men (I feel like ‘men’ should have been said really deeply). Yes, let’s hear a big ahhhh!

Gravity also has an increasing effect on agility as you age. That’s why younger people, here I will include men and women, get slower as they age. You see it’s not your fault that you can no longer run as fast, jump as high, kick a ball as far, win at tennis, play chess, oh that’s not gravity. Although maybe gravity affects our brains too. All the water in our bodies gets pulled to our feet. Our brains get starved of water and we become less intelligent.

You see before long I am going to blame everything about old age on gravity. There will be ant-gravity marches. I wonder if the sight of so many people floating down Pall Mall in space suits will get the governments attention.

I’d better stop now before I say anything silly.

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I was listening to a love song, “All of me love all of you.” I know, what an old softie. Anyway, I got to thinking of all those families in lockdown who probably had that song as ‘Their song.’ Maybe as their wedding song. It got my imagination going of a typical morning in such a household:

6am on a weekday in lockdown

‘Oi sleepy head, Maisie’s awake; your turn.’

‘No! I’m knackered.’

‘It’s your turn mister, move yerself.’

‘She’s your daughter.’

‘She’s our daughter and it’s your turn.’

‘I do my bit.’

‘Do your bit! Don’t get me started. Anyway, need I remind you of your promise?’

‘What promise?’

‘When we met you said, all of you loved all of me. It’s even our song. You said nothing would ever be too much. You promised undying devotion to me.’

‘Yeah well. There wasn’t a song that said, part of me loves part of you.’

‘What!?’

‘Just kidding. Anyway, I was talking about fighting dragons.’

‘Dragons? What planet are you on?’

‘Metaphorical dragons.’

‘Well, our metaphorical dragon is Maisie’s nappy.’

‘That doesn’t happen in the movies. When I was growing up and becoming a man…’

‘I’m still waiting for that to happen?’

‘Eh, what do you mean?’

‘You to grow up.’

‘Well, no one said anything about nappies. It was all meant to be fighting the bad guys and defending right from wrong. I thought I’d be riding a white stallion wearing a suit of armour. Or in a space suit firing lasers. At the very least I expected a light sabre.’

‘Get your armour on, hop on your stallion and go through to Maisie. If you leave it much longer, she’ll have a sore bottom. Then we will have no peace.’

Getting reluctantly out of bed, ‘well it’s not what I expected.’

‘Tell me about it.’

He reluctantly heads into Maisie’s room.

Isn’t that the way it really is? Oh listen, ‘Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you,’ is just starting to play.

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I came to an amazing realisation the other day. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. It’s the first law of thermodynamics, yes, there are more. But bear with me, there is a great significance in this. If matter, physical stuff, you know, like fat can neither be created nor destroyed then that means when one person loses weight, another gains it. That’s just physics. After all the fat can’t just disappear, can it?

I must so frustrate all the scientists out there, you must be clawing at your phones, tablets and PC’s. Or maybe you are walking along shouting out loud. Well it’s only you who looks silly, I am being perfectly scientific.

Let’s face it everyone knows this anyway. What do you say when you succeed on a diet? ‘I have lost weight.’ Yes, you lost it and someone else found it. You don’t say, ‘that fat just disappeared do you? Point proved I think.

So, it’s not the cheeseburgers, pizzas, crisps, ice-creams, sweets, beers etc. that put on those extra inches. It’s just physics. I never liked physics at school, now I know why, it causes me to put on weight.

If all those health fanatics would stop exercising and dieting, I would stop gaining weight. The world would settle into equilibrium. It’s your fault local gym. Spare me those inches slimming universe.

If you believe that, you’ll believe anything J and no there is no point explaining what it really means.

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I was looking at my face in the mirror the other day. Imagine my surprise when an overweight, bald guy was staring back at me. I have never seen him before. Well, occasionally when I have chosen to look in a mirror and my imagination is not fully awake then he has stared back at me; ‘Through the looking glass’ so to speak. Lewis Carol has a lot to answer for, putting people like that in my mirror.

Now let me reassure all of you who have looked in a mirror recently and got a shock. If you have looked in a mirror and had a pleasant surprise then just look away; this is for the rest of us. I want to reassure all of the rest of us and let’s face it, that’s most of us. It is not us we are seeing. Isn’t that a relief? No, we are most definitely seeing into a different dimension, it is not us staring back. It’s a dimension which distorts and messes around with our reality. Cameras can do the same kind of thing, but at least cameras have built in correction systems. In the old days the only way you could correct the multi-dimensional distortion caused by looking into a mirror or taking a photo was heavy makeup or a stocking over the lens. Now we have a wonderful array of multi-dimensional correctional filters. Of course, the creators of them realised that the average user would get put off by their real names. So, I have helpfully listed below the real names of these filters alongside their user-friendly names:

User Friendly camera filter name 

Beautify            

Real Scientific Name

Commutating dimensional shift paradigm initiator      

                                 

User Friendly camera filter name

Thinnify                                                       

Real Scientific Name

Triturating dispersal reduction extenuator

User Friendly camera filter name

Portrait mode                                             

Real Scientific Name

Simulacrum trans-dimensional characterisation depiction

Now you understand why they wanted user friendly names.

All of you who look in the mirror and are pleased at what you see can look back now. I have an unpleasant surprise for you too. The image you see is not you either. One of the effects of all this trans-dimensional shifting is that images get swapped around. So, if you are seeing a chisel jawed beef cake, that is actually me. I am sorry to say that the photo at the top of my blog site is you; yes, no wonder you have a shocked look on your face. What a realisation.

You may well be wondering how this can possibly be true. You may even be thinking this is false news. How could you think such a thing about me? As if I would make up something like this as a joke. The basis for your doubts may well be your own eyes. You may well be thinking, ‘Mike, you poor deluded fool, look down at your arms, are they muscular? Look at your belly, is it fat?’ But did I say that the dimensional distortion stopped at the mirror? You see, there you go making the wrong assumption. It starts at the mirror, but it extends into our world.

Let me explain in a way that will help you all see clearly the true depth of the problem and realise that I am absolutely right. Imagine a pond surface; from beneath. You are in the water looking up at the surface. The water surrounds you and distorts the light and all objects around you. Come on, admit it, you’re starting to believe me now, aren’t you? How many of you are thinking, yes that makes sense? I always thought I was more beautiful than I look in the mirror. I know you are all ready to accept it, just look at everyone’s social media pictures. Our Avatars express how we see ourselves.

So, as we enter yet another year of Covid. A winter of lockdown. At least we can take some comfort in knowing that the old grump we see in the mirror is not us. We are handsome, beautiful, muscular, svelte, just plain good looking. We are the way we portray ourselves on social media; OK there’s always one who puts a photo of a dog, a mountain or a motorcycle, but the rest of us… hang on I have a photo of an old, bald fat guy on my social media…. back to the drawing board.

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