I have been taxing my brain; not a big task. Over how to make it easier for Mary to push me in a manual wheelchair. We are looking at very occasionally using one so that I can access a non-wav taxi when they are running again or a normal car. Plus, in the future to make flying to see out daughter in the USA an easier possibility. I know you can take a power chair to a plane, but they do not treat them well in the airplane hold. With these ideas in mind we are trying one out, but Mary is much smaller than I am and I have gained a little weight since I last had a manual wheelchair; only an ounce or two, give or take a few pounds. I am unable to assist Mary. So, I was contemplating how to make it easier; I need to be lighter, much, much lighter.

So, there I was drinking zero alcohol larger at lunchtime and suddenly I realised, CO2 makes things lighter, it’s a gas after all, so I need to fill up on alcohol free larger before using the wheelchair. Alcohol free because I don’t react well to alcohol; I don’t mean I get drunk; I just feel ill. Or maybe I could just attach a hot air balloon to my wheelchair. I can just see me floating away in my wheelchair, hot air balloon above, Calor gas cylinder on the side, flames shooting above my head… maybe on second thoughts. Either way, what’s needed is gas. I hear you saying you have plenty of hot air; why not use that, that’s just rude.

Now you are probably thinking an easier option is to lose weight and I am fully with you on that. In fact, I gave up sweets, cakes and all processed sugar products a year and a half ago, so I am trying. But without the ability to exercise losing weight is hard work.
Let’s think about dieting then as exercise is out. Obviously I need to lower my calorie intake. Well lying on the floor in a downstairs room, at sea level is a good way to start. That way all food is low fat and I can eat anything. Also I could just eat Ice cream, as that can’t have calories in it as a calorie is a unit of heat. I could just think thin thoughts, after all you hear a lot about the power of the mind. ‘You are thin, very thin Mike.’ If push comes to shove, I could eat less. But let’s leave such extreme measures to a last resort.

I also have a great theory of dieting based on my observation of bonfires. If calories are burnt off then we need to get that fire burning brighter and bigger. When I have had a bonfire in years gone by, I used to find that the more you fed it and stoked it then blasted it with oxygen the faster it burnt and quicker everything disappeared. Applying that theory to dieting if I eat loads of fat and breath deeply I should be able to stoke that fire and burn it all off, including the fat already in my body. What do you think? Any nutritionists reading this are probably just getting up off the floor. I don’t charge any extra for the shock treatment. You can close your mouth, as Mary Poppins says ‘we are not a goldfish.’ By the way if you try my dieting ideas and find they dont work and want to sue me my address is:

Mr Kid Ing
1 Way
Oranother
Aisle
CU BY

I do have a better idea, reduce the weight of the wheelchair. Or wear less clothes; what do you think? No, wheelchair slimming it is then. Mind you it is already a bit flimsy. It flexes over every bump and I feel every one of them. So maybe it’s back to losing weight; huge bonfire diet here we come. Or shall I just become a gas giant?

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